so yeah i know i lied about me being here all the time but not like anybody read it or anything and well, the only reason im here right now is because i have nowhere to go to and its probably the only place i know that people around me would never expect me to come to. i just need to get out of people for once. i've been trying to get away from all the social networks i have, just hinting RT's a few likes but i barely even touch my status update or my tweets. not fishing for sympathy or attention because if i am i wouldve posted all these shady tweets and pictures of how i need some attention by being all this "less is more" shits but no.
i messed up.
it wasn't supposed to be serious but it's something that i myself let it lead to another and it became big because of that...and that i can't seem to forgive myself for it. its complicated to explain. its not just that i blame myself for doing that, but its the bigger part of myself for thinking that im right all the time, that my own close friend is annoying and i can't seem to face her when it turns put she has done nothing wrong but it annoys me because people are saying she's right. and that's what fucking pisses me off. i can't seem to let it go. and im not angry because of her. i'm angry that i can't get a fucking grip that it's entirely my fault.
and that it fucking hurts because i have no one to tell me that it's okay that u make a mistake, that it's okay u're imperfect, because while having that stupid useless fight, i was also constantly blamed for things i myself have done wrong and it got me thinking.
What.The Fuck.Is Wrong With Me?
why can't i seem to learn from my mistakes. why does history keep repeating itself? how do i remember all these things and how do i remember how many things i have to get it right?
maybe i don't deserve for people to tell me its okay, because its entirely my fault anyway, And in some days im gonna have to learn that for whatever reason possible, i'm always wrong. because i'm sick of thinking that i'm not always wrong, it turns out i am always wrong. and its ENTIRELY my fault.
ENTIRELY.
I need to fix myself. I lost that spark. im not who i used to be anymore. I used to be happy, i used to find the light in every single thing i encounter.
im sick of crying at the damages i've done.
and i'm starting to hate myself for who i've become.
i'm so disappointed in myself for feeling like i can't be friends with this type of person when i don't think i deserve to be anybody's friends. I can't talk to anybody because my other half would know by experience. and it didnt help, saying "i'm proud of u for what u've done" but then teared me apart with the truth. i don't blame her for doing that, i just hate myself because i couldnt accept the truth.
i'm a monster. and i need to get this monster out of me.
to those who i know who happens to read this,
i'm okay, i'm not gonna cut myself.
i just need time to find myself, because i do not know what i've become.
i'm so confused of what happened.
all i'm asking is time.
and for some reason right now i can't look at the bright side becayse it's too dark in here.
because i will try,
to fix me.
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