"Feel like a guitar thats never played"

remember that one kid in class who u noticed always sitting alone and look around at people, wondering if anybody would talk to him/her? and u can see him/her secretly hoping anybody would approach him/her and you wondered to yourself how he really is and u tried being nice to him sometimes and wondered if he'll ever find a friend by the end of the semester? This one dude in my class i rather address as Aaron. He used to be that guy. and every day i look at him and wondered if he'll break out of his cocoon and find some friends. and i always thought we were in the same page considering both of us cant speak mandarin and he's not chinese. but he's doing a lot better than me. the fact is, its not that people don't know me, i think its the fact that there are someone far more worthed to be friends with than me. i mean, he even gets lunch buddies, which i dont get, most probably because im a muslim and they will most probably eat out somewhere non-halal. or possibly the fact that im a girl and its more fun talking to a boy. or is it just that im always zone out? or weird? that i can't interpret for not once have my classmate admit anything regarding my abnormal inhuman behaviour and my perspective of the 21st century seemingly misleaded into a time machine and stuck me in the 1960's. could it be that i don't listen to the same music? could it be that we don't speak the same language? could it be that i couldnt live up to their standards simply because of their heavy heart timid to admit theyre just mere stereotypes choosing friends by how they judge u in the first look? i mean, is a friend too much to ask for?

it probably had occured to me, a few thoughts later, that the universe (or possibly just me self) had isolated me from anybody else for a reason. The four of us were in sara's car, she drove us to the train station. It was a tiring and busy day because of the buffet but i feel bad that i couldn't do much because i cut my thumb three days before. Anyway, i was super sleepy because i slept for only 2 hours. As i was leaning on the back seat on the right, with Aaron on my left, Bob started talking about one of my classmates. He was talking bad about him. and to my surprise, Aaron joined in the fun. Maybe it wasn't intentional because Aaron is not usually the type to mean things (from what i observe that is but hey, i could be wrong) and i kind of had a feeling he was just having fun. But then i guess i kinda realize at that moment that maybe one of the reasons why Aaron is doing much better than me was because he has no problem joining in a conversation of making fun of people (which i still think it's intentional) to which i refuse to join in. The weird thing about high school is everybody is nice to you but once you start college, people avoid you if you can't fit in. And im aware that i am the outcast of this community. Maybe i just refuse to live in their delusional perspection of smiling masks, where people say things they don't mean, and having their own sign language just so people can't crack the code of what they are saying. Yes, i am aware that people DO talk about my back, but i keep telling myself not to give a shit and be who i wanted to be. Because unlike some of them, i refuse to live in that delusional flawless world, where people enjoy listening to lies being told. The irony on people like that, is that they hated being lied to, but they seem to hate honesty even more. Because honesty does not spare even the slightest mercy in you, and lies make u believe what you want to believe.lies make you happy. honestly bitch-slaps the reality in your face. i guess i have come to a conclusion that besides the stereotypical comfort zone but exceptionally nice people who would rather not invite u to lunch together with them by indirectly hinting u that obviously they don't think of u more than a classmate, the other options left are well, parellel to what i consider. it has occured to me that i rather have no friends at all than friends who secretly hates you.

New Year Monday Rapture

so i suppose new year didnt started out well as planned. i guess the whole idea of letting things fall where they may is not exactly your cup of tea if you're not super attractive, cool, extremely gifted or in my case, can speak mandarin. first off, my possibly only close friend ( no offence Sara who's 27 and married coz i rly meant someone my own age) had moved in somewhere close to college and now i think i can slowly see that im losing him coz he can speak mandarin and everybody likes him, coz he's nice. now, i think im pretty much alone. This is just like middle school all over again. that one time i finally get a friend, something will go wrong and im alone. even getting a seat next to somebody is difficult. nobody wants to sit next to me. i hate this feeling coz its eating me up and making me all paranoid and thats the least i wanna feel right now coz i dont wanna be such an emotional trainwreck but i think i am, and once i get this feeling, that thing happens again. and i hate it when that thing happens. i wish i could be as independant as my sister who prefers to be alone than with anybody. i started off as an extrovert, i might ended up as a low self esteem introvert loser. if my sister was right about me setting the right foot in college, where could i possibly have gone wrong? Yea