당신은 사랑받기 위해 태어난 사람

For some reason, i really like this song. i heard it was a korean gospel song if i'm not mistaken. but the first line of the song hit me 'till this day.

"당신은 사랑받기 위해 태어난 사람"

"You were born to be loved"

The song basically repeated that most of the time in the song.
It makes me happy for some reason to know, or to feel loved.

ever since i was young,i've always been compared to my twin sister,
she was always prettier, smarter, skinnier, and had been alot more popular than i am.
people around me always seem to praise her for everything.
i was told this because of my incompetence in Thai and Korean
"your twin sister is so smart. She can speak 4 languages, what can you do? You can't do anything"

I guess she was right. I can't do shit. i cook for a living. But my twin sister can cook too.
Sometimes, i'm afraid of people leaving me. Sometimes, i make sure that they know i appreciate them being my friend. But never in my life have people ever took their time to just appreciate me for existing.

"Thank you for being born"
"Thank you for being here"
"You're a great friend"
"You're pretty"

What i really want for my birthday present:
Is for someone to appreciate me for being born.
I wish i have someone who's good enough in korean to sing me this song

I'm Tired

Penatlah.

Penatlah nak layan kerenah bende ni.

Penatlah tiap tiap hari aku nak happy je ada je bende ni buat nak bagi aku sakit hati.

So tired of pretending im fine with the way things always end up.
I hate waiting for misery to end and tomorrow comes because the same shit happens in diferrent form of situations every day. It passes by every day in disguise but if u look back at it, its the same shit.
Buatlah vanilla sponge, letak passionfruit mousse bagi set. Jadi satu mousse cake.
Letak blueberry, letak cream, jadi satu blueberry cake.
Letak krim manis kat tengah lepas tu roll jadi swiss roll.
Tapi bile alihkan krim krim tu sume, makan pun base die sama.
Vanilla Sponge.
It all comes down to one thing, everything wouldnt have turn out that way if that one thing didnt cause it to be that way.
And that thing is in me whether i like it or not.
I tried my best to push it away but it comes uninvited and leaves me hanging in between the options of me who needs to fix myself or me who is just paranoid over small encounters that eats up my feeling as if the world is sick of my presence when its not.
That thing is a foe in disguise, pretends to please u and catches ur weakness, and spread it out like pixie dusts.

Please let me out of this leash, i dont need u in my life
Ure in my every meal, in every depths and corners of my mind.
Its painful and its sickening.

that one new year resolution for 2015

theres this one thing that i've always wanted since i was a kid. and it hasnt been fulfilled yet.
i didnt wanna tell my friends because i feel like its too much to ask for. but i wish for a birthday surprise from my friends, i feel like im not appreciated enough but i also don't want to come off as being ungrateful. Maybe i don't deserve a birthday surprise just yet? and maybe i shouldn't expect anything but in that 99% of not expecting anything since i could even remember, theres that 1% of hope that i would get one. and i hope for this every single year. and i hope that the year this 2015.

im not okay.
lately i was never.
not really happy. not really laughing.
im so miserable and im so fucked up.
i can't even tell if its my mess anymore.
it feels like slowly, the people around me starts to resent me.
i don't wanna be around them anymore, i wanna move out and live on my own.
if im in their way, the best thing i could do is just leave. its not like they want me there anymore.
im happy with people who are happy with me.
but i dont know how to erase this misery

the last petal

i've made tons of regrets, but this is probably the worst one yet. its nothing surprising, we thought it would be just another fight, we've had this before. this time i was sure i didn't cross the line, but i was sure enough it was my mistake in letting it happen and pretended i didn't care. but right now, nothing's pushing me to apologize. why should i be the only one who gives in? why do i always have to be the one who makes an effort in fixing our bond? why should i even try when she doesn't care and she's happy? i'll just give it time and one day, i'll really stop caring.
honestly, i don't think apologizing is gonna change everything because im pretty sure this time, she won't forgive me.

lights will guide me home...soon

so yeah i know i lied about me being here all the time but not like anybody read it or anything and well, the only reason im here right now is because i have nowhere to go to and its probably the only place i know that people around me would never expect me to come to. i just need to get out of people for once. i've been trying to get away from all the social networks i have, just hinting RT's a few likes but i barely even touch my status update or my tweets. not fishing for sympathy or attention because if i am i wouldve posted all these shady tweets and pictures of how i need some attention by being all this "less is more" shits but no.

i messed up.

it wasn't supposed to be serious but it's something that i myself let it lead to another and it became big because of that...and that i can't seem to forgive myself for it. its complicated to explain. its not just that i blame myself for doing that, but its the bigger part of myself for thinking that im right all the time, that my own close friend is annoying and i can't seem to face her when it turns put she has done nothing wrong but it annoys me because people are saying she's right. and that's what fucking pisses me off. i can't seem to let it go. and im not angry because of her. i'm angry that i can't get a fucking grip that it's entirely my fault.
and that it fucking hurts because i have no one to tell me that it's okay that u make a mistake, that it's okay u're imperfect, because while having that stupid useless fight, i was also constantly blamed for things i myself have done wrong and it got me thinking.

What.The Fuck.Is Wrong With Me?

why can't i seem to learn from my mistakes. why does history keep repeating itself? how do i remember all these things and how do i remember how many things i have to get it right?

maybe i don't deserve for people to tell me its okay, because its entirely my fault anyway, And in some days im gonna have to learn that for whatever reason possible, i'm always wrong. because i'm sick of thinking that i'm not always wrong, it turns out i am always wrong. and its ENTIRELY my fault.

ENTIRELY.

I need to fix myself. I lost that spark. im not who i used to be anymore. I used to be happy, i used to find the light in every single thing i encounter.
im sick of crying at the damages i've done.
and i'm starting to hate myself for who i've become.
i'm so disappointed in myself for feeling like i can't be friends with this type of person when i don't think i deserve to be anybody's friends. I can't talk to anybody because my other half would know by experience. and it didnt help, saying "i'm proud of u for what u've done" but then teared me apart with the truth. i don't blame her for doing that, i just hate myself because i couldnt accept the truth.
i'm a monster. and i need to get this monster out of me.


to those who i know who happens to read this,
i'm okay, i'm not gonna cut myself.
i just need time to find myself, because i do not know what i've become.
i'm so confused of what happened.
all i'm asking is time.

and for some reason right now i can't look at the bright side becayse it's too dark in here.

because i will try,
to fix me.

"Feel like a guitar thats never played"

remember that one kid in class who u noticed always sitting alone and look around at people, wondering if anybody would talk to him/her? and u can see him/her secretly hoping anybody would approach him/her and you wondered to yourself how he really is and u tried being nice to him sometimes and wondered if he'll ever find a friend by the end of the semester? This one dude in my class i rather address as Aaron. He used to be that guy. and every day i look at him and wondered if he'll break out of his cocoon and find some friends. and i always thought we were in the same page considering both of us cant speak mandarin and he's not chinese. but he's doing a lot better than me. the fact is, its not that people don't know me, i think its the fact that there are someone far more worthed to be friends with than me. i mean, he even gets lunch buddies, which i dont get, most probably because im a muslim and they will most probably eat out somewhere non-halal. or possibly the fact that im a girl and its more fun talking to a boy. or is it just that im always zone out? or weird? that i can't interpret for not once have my classmate admit anything regarding my abnormal inhuman behaviour and my perspective of the 21st century seemingly misleaded into a time machine and stuck me in the 1960's. could it be that i don't listen to the same music? could it be that we don't speak the same language? could it be that i couldnt live up to their standards simply because of their heavy heart timid to admit theyre just mere stereotypes choosing friends by how they judge u in the first look? i mean, is a friend too much to ask for?

it probably had occured to me, a few thoughts later, that the universe (or possibly just me self) had isolated me from anybody else for a reason. The four of us were in sara's car, she drove us to the train station. It was a tiring and busy day because of the buffet but i feel bad that i couldn't do much because i cut my thumb three days before. Anyway, i was super sleepy because i slept for only 2 hours. As i was leaning on the back seat on the right, with Aaron on my left, Bob started talking about one of my classmates. He was talking bad about him. and to my surprise, Aaron joined in the fun. Maybe it wasn't intentional because Aaron is not usually the type to mean things (from what i observe that is but hey, i could be wrong) and i kind of had a feeling he was just having fun. But then i guess i kinda realize at that moment that maybe one of the reasons why Aaron is doing much better than me was because he has no problem joining in a conversation of making fun of people (which i still think it's intentional) to which i refuse to join in. The weird thing about high school is everybody is nice to you but once you start college, people avoid you if you can't fit in. And im aware that i am the outcast of this community. Maybe i just refuse to live in their delusional perspection of smiling masks, where people say things they don't mean, and having their own sign language just so people can't crack the code of what they are saying. Yes, i am aware that people DO talk about my back, but i keep telling myself not to give a shit and be who i wanted to be. Because unlike some of them, i refuse to live in that delusional flawless world, where people enjoy listening to lies being told. The irony on people like that, is that they hated being lied to, but they seem to hate honesty even more. Because honesty does not spare even the slightest mercy in you, and lies make u believe what you want to believe.lies make you happy. honestly bitch-slaps the reality in your face. i guess i have come to a conclusion that besides the stereotypical comfort zone but exceptionally nice people who would rather not invite u to lunch together with them by indirectly hinting u that obviously they don't think of u more than a classmate, the other options left are well, parellel to what i consider. it has occured to me that i rather have no friends at all than friends who secretly hates you.